Kurt Vonnegut wrote that “A sane person to an insane society must appear insane.” Conversely, insanely out of balance, distorted and crazy-making mental states may be the completely sane reaction of a sane person to her insane society. This is how I understand my own bouts with psychic disturbances such as depression and anxiety that keep spinning me out of consensus consciousness.
As I exist in our ever absurd cascading world of societal decay while running toward my personal evolution so I can keep up with the planet as She evolves, I keep screaming inside THIS IS NOT RIGHT HERE. Something in my core of being agrees and I descend into depression or tweak with anxiety. I know that I am far, far from being alone with these feelings.
My grandmother, my namesake, suffered depression and anxiety and as a young girl I observed her agony and knew I did not want that legacy. I have mostly succeeded in avoiding it, remaining functional and mostly able to enjoy my life adventures even while occasionally dipping into the pit of horror that is mental discord.
For me depression feels like being weighted under a leaden blanket while sunken under the sea. The heaviness of it is physical, emotional and spiritual, and as dense as the gravity of the vast ocean. I have experienced depression’s debilitating crush a few times in my life, and because I refused to be like my grandmother who laid in bed and cried, I made myself walk through the ocean floor with that brick blanket draped upon me toward the relief of the beach I knew existed.
I fought depression by submitting to being densely present in the present moment. My steadfast intention of looking straight at it and then rejecting the reality of living under that weight eternally drove me to live through it. My guiding mantra was that there had to be a tomorrow in which I didn’t feel debilitated and I was going to walk toward it burdened weight and all be damned.
This last seasonal run-in with depression though, even as I am older and feel like I should have been able to fend off this familiar enemy, was almost more than I could bear. I found myself nearly drowned, unable to lift myself and walk the ocean floor. I felt like I might be permanently submerged. I was afraid for myself, out of control with grief and rage and unsure how to move forward. The state of the world and the energy of complete despair sunk me for a minute. Futility that is a result of relentless grief and rage is a hell state of paralysis.
During this torment, I kept seeing the the 10 of Swords in my mind’s eye. This tarot card describes me perfectly these last weeks. But here is the light inherent in this card — the 10 means it’s over. You are done with the journey and landed upon the beach. You don’t know what is next but you’re done with what you just went through. I am still processing my latest bout with depression. I feel better now, more buoyant, lighter and more joyful.
I am going to write more on this because depression and anxiety in the face of this world undergoing cataclysmic evolutionary changes affects every single soul connected to this sacred planet on all levels of our being.
More to come. Blessings to all sentient beings in this time of light and dark. Namaste.